The Silence of God

I found this posted on another blog that I frequently. It sums up much of what I've been feeling and struggling with lately, so I thought I would widen the audience some.

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It’s enough to drive a man crazy; it’ll break a man’s faith
It’s enough to make him wonder if he’s ever been sane
When he’s bleating for comfort from Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heaven’s only answer is the silence of God

It’ll shake a man’s timbers when he loses his heart
When he has to remember what broke him apart
This yoke may be easy, but this burden is not
When the crying fields are frozen by the silence of God

And if a man has got to listen to the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they’ve got
When they tell you all their troubles have been nailed up to that cross
Then what about the times when even followers get lost?
‘Cause we all get lost sometimes…

There’s a statue of Jesus on a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky, all quiet and cold
And He’s kneeling in the garden, as silent as a stone
All His friends are sleeping and He’s weeping all alone

And the man of all sorrows, he never forgot
What sorrow is carried by the hearts that he bought
So when the questions dissolve into the silence of God
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God”

- Andrew Peterson, “The Silence of God” on the album Love and Thunder

October 2007

Books Read
Love, Stargirl By: Jerry Spinelli
Amadeus By: Peter Shaffer

Movies Viewed For the First Time
Resident Evil: Extinction
Mirrormask
The Squid and the Whale
30 Days of Night

Due to the new teaching job, the play I was acting in, and a variety of other things (such as a couple of weddings), I didn't do hardly any reading or movie watching in October. Love, Stargirl is the sequel to Spinelli's highly-acclaimed and popular book Stargirl. That book remains as one of my favorite books of all time. Love, Stargirl not so much. In the introduction to the book, Spinelli attempts to justify why a sequel was written. Frankly, I think he should have let well-enough alone. Stargirl is an almost flawless novel and if it can ever shake the stigma of being classified as "young adult literature" could become something like a classic novel. I was excited and terrified when I learned about Love, Stargirl. I was excited because I love the characters from the original novel, but terrified because a sequel was unnecessary and might destroy what had been created. The book does do some damage, but it isn't terrible. If no one had ever read Stargirl they would probably really enjoy Love, Stargirl. After all, Spinelli is a top-notch writer and even his lackluster prose is better than most drivel one reads. Still, the book does take something away from the magic of Stargirl. Yet, I can't recommend one not read the book.

As for Amadeus, that's the play I was in and I always read the script ahead of time before the first rehearsal of any show.

As for movies, I'll only comment on two. First, there's The Squid and the Whale. It's a straight-forward , dramatic, coming-of-age story set in 1970s New York City. The writing is brilliant. There are some rather bizarre (some would say disgusting) incidents in the film, but none of it seems out of place. I wish I could make a movie as good as this one. If you love film, you'll probably like The Squid and the Whale, but if you're just a casual filmgoer, you probably won't.

Besides The Squid and the Whale the other film I enjoyed was 30 Days of Night. Sure it's based off a comic book and is a bloody, mind-candy film about vampires. But, lately I've found myself attracted to films about vampires, werewolves, zombies and the like. I'm not sure if it's because I know those movies are usually much cheaper to make than a typical film or maybe it has something to do with the idea of the half-existence those creatures have that interests me or if it's some other reason. What I do know is that I saw 30 Days of Night and liked it. Not recommended for the faint of heart.

Addendum.

Though nothing wicked this way has come, darkness has. Doom, doom, doom the bell tolls. No happiness for you.

But...

Then I remember something a wise man told me once: that as a Christian no matter how bad things get in life, it will always be better than Hell.

Later surprises from family and friends illuminate the darkness around me and at least for a few moments, I can see once again where I'm going.

?

Though nothing wicked this way has come, darkness has. Doom, doom, doom the bell tolls. No happiness for you.

Re-Arisen Dreams Vs. Present Life.

The play I’m in just finished the first week of a two week run. Things went really well. I’ve really enjoyed the show. I’ve made some new acquaintances and seen some old acquaintances transform into friendships. I’ve been able to use the gifts and talents God has given me and I expand my talent as an actor ever so slightly.

The new job is…going. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been incredibly challenging. Every time I feel like I make a little progress, I find myself further behind than when I began. I don’t feel at all like I did when I was student teaching. Back then, I was sure I wanted to teach. I enjoyed it. Sure, there were rough days, but despite those I knew it was something I wanted to do. Now that I’m doing it, I’m not so sure. I’m going to give it some more time, though.

For the past month I feel like I’ve just been living in a haze. So much has happened in such a very short time.

Something I have learned this past month is that if I’m ever presented with the choice to work in film or education, I’d choose film. When I first answered that question a couple weeks ago, I was a bit shocked. I mean, I gave up the opportunity to move to L.A. and pursue a career in the motion picture business six years ago. I felt called to become a teacher. I fought God for months over that one. I gave it up, but He promised to give it back one day.

In the past six months, there have been signs that that the dream was being restored and the promise would be fulfilled. I took great comfort, joy, and happiness in that. Then the darkness began to settle in and now I’m not so sure anymore. At another point in my life I would have confidently said that I know without a shadow of a doubt that the promise would come true and the dream would be restored. I can’t say that with confidence right now. God has been rather silent with me lately. Like I said, it feels like I’ve been living in a haze. The soft whisper of God that has been so clear to me most of my life has been silent. Every once in awhile he shows me something (the vapors rising off a lake as the sun rises, for instance) to remind me that he is there, but the constant back and forth communication that I have grown so used to having hasn’t been happening. I miss hearing him. I’d grown accustomed to hearing him. I know I’m not alone, but at times it feels like I’ve been abandoned. It’s a very unpleasant sensation.

I want to make movies so bad. I want to go to New York and visit and join my friends living there. I want to get home at a decent time in the evening so I can sit down and write and finish a couple of the stories I’ve begun. I want to always act and perform for people on stage, screen, and radio. I am an Artist and I have to create.

Will I hear his voice again? Will the haze around me lift so that I can once again see where it is I’m going? Will I do the things in life that I really want to do? I think so, but I’m not sure. I’m not much sure of anything right now.