Desires That Seem to Defy

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." Psalm 37:3-6

As long as I can remember, I have striven to follow Jesus and delight myself in him. I was raised by two loving, Christian parents, but unlike many children raised in similar circumstances my faith became my faith at a fairly early age (around 8). I'm not sure exactly what the catalyst was but almost as long as I can remember, I wanted to follow God and do the right thing, not because that's what my parents and family wanted but because it was the right thing and it was what I wanted to do. I'm not sure how to describe it, but at a young age I realized and understood that I was nothing outside of God. I read about the young prophet Samuel and though I hadn't heard God's audible voice, I knew that he had created me and called to me. I read with vigor Paul's letters to Timothy. I discovered that there were many other people in the Bible who God called and used at a young age.

This connection to the spiritual along with an above average intellect made me a bit of an outsider and outcast. I didn't have too many friends growing up and I tended to enjoy the company of grown-ups instead of my peers. It wasn't until I got to college that I found people around my age that I felt a real strong connection with. Of course, since graduating from college I've discovered that I often enjoy the company of children and young adults better than adults: I work well with kids and there is just something about their playfulness and spirit that brightens my weary soul. And weary my soul is.

I had such high hopes for 2009. 2008 was one hell of a crappy year. I had hoped that 2009 would be better. There were some good things that happened this year (directing my 1st play for instance), but the negative things have overwhelmed those positive things and in some instances tainted them forever with tragedy. Overall, 2009 has been a very shitty year.

I used to believe the words of Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." I used to believe in it fervently. It was something I clung to in my earliest trials. I sought God with a complete abandonment to everything else. No, I have never been faced with the threat of death because of my faith, but there have been many other sacrifices, challenges, obstacles, trials, and tribulations. But, I used to feel it was worth it because if nothing else I had the hope that God would give me the desires of my heart. After the past few months, I honestly don't know anymore. I feel more discouraged than I have ever felt in my life. I've lived more than a third of a century and have been a devout follower of Jesus for most of that time, yet I've experienced none of the desires of my heart. I know God is good and he loves us, but why do the desires remain unfilled.

So, as darkness surrounds me this battered and beaten warrior continues to press forward, but with a heavy and weary heart, pleading to God: when, Father, when?