No Fellow in the Firmament

Six years ago today, I was more excited than I had been in a long time. The past several years hadn't been easy. But, the first show I had ever directed, 12 ANGRY MEN, was opening and I was giddy. I had an amazing cast and we had put together a great show that I couldn't wait for the public to see it. It was my directorial debut and I couldn't be more pumped. I never got to see that opening, though, because my Dad died that evening.

After losing a parent, spouse, or child, people will tell you that "it gets better over time", "time heals all wounds", etc. There is a grain of truth in those sayings. As time passes, it doesn't hurt as often and the wounds do heal. However, the pain never completely goes away and those wounds leave scars that sometimes rip open at the most unexpected times. It could be music that you hear, a scent that you smell, an image that just passes through your mind, or sometimes it just happens for no reason at all and all of that sorrow washes over you in an emotional downpour that leaves you aching from the inside out.

I didn't realize it until he died, but my Dad was a stalwart in my life. I'm a creative person and always working on some project and things often seem to be in flux around me. The world moves and changes at an incredible pace. In the midst of all this, there was my Dad. He had moods and tempers like anyone else, but the overall character of my Dad was basically always the same. He was one person that I could always count on. When I asked for advice, what he gave always meant something. Sometimes the advice he gave was bad (a few financial decisions I made early in life come to mind), but it was still meaningful because he lived the same things out in his own life. In Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, Caesar says, " "I am constant as the northern star, Of whose true-fix'd and resting quality, There is no fellow in the firmament." In the play, that statement is ironic, because Caesar has not been like that. However, my Dad was.

It's been six years and I so wish that this day, October 2nd, could just be a normal day for me. It's not and no matter what happens in life, it never again will be. Thanks for everything, Dad. I miss you.