No Fellow in the Firmament

Six years ago today, I was more excited than I had been in a long time. The past several years hadn't been easy. But, the first show I had ever directed, 12 ANGRY MEN, was opening and I was giddy. I had an amazing cast and we had put together a great show that I couldn't wait for the public to see it. It was my directorial debut and I couldn't be more pumped. I never got to see that opening, though, because my Dad died that evening.

After losing a parent, spouse, or child, people will tell you that "it gets better over time", "time heals all wounds", etc. There is a grain of truth in those sayings. As time passes, it doesn't hurt as often and the wounds do heal. However, the pain never completely goes away and those wounds leave scars that sometimes rip open at the most unexpected times. It could be music that you hear, a scent that you smell, an image that just passes through your mind, or sometimes it just happens for no reason at all and all of that sorrow washes over you in an emotional downpour that leaves you aching from the inside out.

I didn't realize it until he died, but my Dad was a stalwart in my life. I'm a creative person and always working on some project and things often seem to be in flux around me. The world moves and changes at an incredible pace. In the midst of all this, there was my Dad. He had moods and tempers like anyone else, but the overall character of my Dad was basically always the same. He was one person that I could always count on. When I asked for advice, what he gave always meant something. Sometimes the advice he gave was bad (a few financial decisions I made early in life come to mind), but it was still meaningful because he lived the same things out in his own life. In Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, Caesar says, " "I am constant as the northern star, Of whose true-fix'd and resting quality, There is no fellow in the firmament." In the play, that statement is ironic, because Caesar has not been like that. However, my Dad was.

It's been six years and I so wish that this day, October 2nd, could just be a normal day for me. It's not and no matter what happens in life, it never again will be. Thanks for everything, Dad. I miss you.

The Last Five Years

It’s been five years now since my Dad died. There are no words to describe the sudden and unexpected loss of a parent that you love. There has been nothing else in my life that I can compare to it. It’s been five years and time does heal wounds. However, some wounds leave scars that become a part of you for the rest of your life.

We’ve carried on in his absence the last five years and although he is no longer here, he is far from forgotten. It is often in the smallest moments of daily living that thoughts and memories of him flood my mind: the snippet of a song on the radio, the way someone I’m talking to says a particular phrase, a picture that provides a visual reminder to a moment past, a television show or movie where two characters share a relationship similar to ours, etc.

I’ve missed my Dad a lot this past year, probably more so than any other time outside of that first year without him. I’m not really sure why it is. For most intents and purposes, this year has been a relatively good year for me. Perhaps it’s because I miss sharing the good times with him. There have been so many bad times the past few years. I had a happy childhood growing up, but it wasn’t exactly easy and completely carefree. I grew up poor (hell, I’m still poor), but my Dad did all kinds of things to make life better for us; he showed us that even if you’re poor and struggling, you can still really live and not just exist and enjoy the simpler things that life offers.

Lately, I’ve been thinking back to a conversation I had with my Dad. At the time, I was getting ready to return to college full time to earn a teaching certificate. It was a choice I had struggled with for two years, but it was something that I felt I was supposed to do. I remember talking with Dad and asking him if he was disappointed. Until I started thinking about teaching, there had only been one thing in my life that I really wanted to do as a profession: acting. I never directly asked my Dad what he thought about that, but he came to almost every single show I was in and he did little things on the side to encourage my dream. He told me since I was in the fifth grade and started doing bigger parts for church and school that if I became an actor, the only thing he wanted from me when I was rich and famous was a house with an indoor swimming pool (actually, he wanted a swimming pool that was half inside/half outside, but he later told me an indoor pool would be ok).

Anyway, I remember asking him if he was disappointed in me. I thought that my change in plans and decision not to move out to California like I was originally supposed to do was something he was disappointed with. He looked at me and said, “What would I be disappointed about? If that’s what you want to do, then do it. Just do something you’ll be happy with. Don’t end up like me.” My Dad worked in a factory basically doing the same job for over 40 years. I don’t know exactly what all his struggles were, but I do know that my Dad took a lot of verbal abuse from people that he had no business taking. One of his close co-workers told me shortly after his funeral that, “I don’t know how your Dad did it. He took so much crap from some of those guys.” I knew it then, but I know it now in a greater way that Dad did it for us. His job was just a job, but what he really lived for was his family.

I learned so much from my father and not all of it necessarily good. For instance, I tend to be a quiet and reserved individual and don’t usually talk much until I get to know someone or feel comfortable. Although I’m not as bad about it, I picked that up from him. I talk much more than he ever did, but I still have some strong introverted tendencies. On the other hand, my Dad was a very generous individual. We never did have much money and he wasn’t one for words, but he was always buying little gifts to give to people or would write a small note to someone to encourage them.

The last five years I have lived without having my Dad around. There are times that I miss him so much. There are times I wish he was just around so I could stop by and share the rare happy news. There are times that I desperately wish he was around so I could ask his advice about a problem I am struggling with. Usually the advice he gave was sound, but sometimes it was horrible advice. Good or bad I wish he was still here so I could ask him. But he’s not. I’ve had to do without for the past five years and I’ll have to continue doing without until I die. As Andy says in THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, I need to, “Get busy living or get busy dying.....there ain't nothing inbetween.”

President Obama, Afghanistan, and My Brother.

Yesterday President Obama announced plans to send another 4,000 additional troops to Afghanistan in addition to the 17,000 that are already there or are on their way. My brother is one of those 4,000. He's had his bag packed since January 2008; two months after he returned from being in Iraq for over a year. I was concerned when my brother went to Iraq, yet I felt peace about him being there. I don't have that same peace as he leaves for Afghanistan and I'm worried.

Say what you will about the war in Iraq, our troops knew what they were doing there. Yes, most of us were fooled, perhaps even lied to about weapons of mass destruction. Still, there were overlying objectives. Even now, the troops I've talked to and the ones my brother has served with and communicated with said that in Iraq they had a purpose but there really is no objective in Afghanistan. My brother has been in constant communication with fellow soldiers that he served with in Iraq who are already in Afghanistan. They serve willingly, but all have said there seems to be no purpose for them being there and the lack of specificity has increased since President Obama was innaugurated.

There are many who will say that the U.S. had no business in Iraq and we should have been focusing on Afghanistan all along. Those who say that might or might not be wrong. The truth is, that though we've been directed to focus on Iraq, we never left Afghanistan. We've had troops there since late fall 2001. Even though the Taliban no longer reigns, the situation is much more dangerous in Afghanistan than it ever was in Iraq. The casualty rate in Afghanistan is almost three times as high as it was in Iraq at the height of the conflict when there was so much "resistance". Most people don't know this because the media has not been reporting about Afghanistan the same way they did about Iraq. Casualties in Iraq were common headlines in newspapers. Yesterday four more soldiers died in Afghanistan and their deaths didn't even warrant any headline in the largest metropolitan paper near me (St. Louis Post-Dispatch).

We have done a lot of good in Afghanistan since overthrowing the Taliban. For instance, the unemployment rate was over 60% before the Taliban was overthrown. It's now just below 40%. We've built roads, hospitals, schools, etc. We helped the people of Afghanistan hold their first elections in nearly three decades. These are good things. Yet, Afghanistan is such a backward country, I don't know if it means much.

For instance, in Iraq there was an infrastructure in place before we invaded. We only had to help rebuild it. There is hardly any infrastructure in Afghanistan and the majority of what it does have has either been built by foreign powers occupying the country, drug dealers, or terrorists. Opium production in the country has skyrocketed and neither the citizens or government seem to really care. The illiteracy rate is a staggering 67% and once again there seems to be little concern. Oh, and even though the U.S. has helped cut the unemployment by 20%, the unemployment rate is still around 40% (for comparison the current U.S. unemployment rate is about 8%). Then there's the history of war in the country. Afghanistan has a long history of war and violence and the country has been a quagmire for ever major military power in modern history (British & Russia to name two biggies) that has occupied it (there is a theory that the trouble with Afghanistan is what caused the Soviet Union to finally collapse). And that's what really worries me.

Our President is sending 4,000 more troops to Iraq and my brother is one of them. They will answer the call to duty faithfully and serve willingly, but I don't like it one bit. May God be with each of them and bring them home safely.