Winter Is Coming

In the book series “A Song of Fire and Ice” and the tv show Game of Thrones, House Stark’s motto is “Winter Is Coming.” The saying is both literal and figurative and reminds the Stark family, their friends, and those under their protection to be prepared for the difficult things to come. House Stark protects the North and they are the guardians against the evil that lies beyond the great wall at the northern boundary of the kingdom. House Stark stands in the gap against what lies beyond the wall and the horrors it can bring.

Overall, this year has been a good year for me. Sure, I’ve had my share of daily struggles, but, so far, 2014 has been relatively free of any major trials, tribulations, and problems. I’m so thankful and grateful for that because for such a long, long period of time it seemed like the difficult times would never end. It’s been almost five years since my Dad suddenly died and although that wound has healed, that emotional scar runs deep within my soul and sometimes I miss him so much that I can’t help but cry. I lost my job less than six months after my Dad died and spent the next fourteen months after that being virtually unemployed. I’ve been working at my current job for almost three years now, but the memories and feelings from those fourteen months when I couldn’t find consistent work still reside in the back corners of my mind. After such a long time of turmoil, things seem to finally be going okay. Not great or fantastic, but okay. Yet, I hear the motto of House Stark, “Winter Is Coming” and it keeps me from any sort of complacency.

I used to enjoy the season of Winter. I actually do enjoy playing in the snow. I like snowball fights and building forts in the snow and ice skating. I love a white Christmas and the stars are never as bright during the year as they are in Winter. I also love coming into a warm home after being outside in the cold and sitting down with a cup of hot cider. And although it’s been far too long and only happened a few times, I enjoyed sitting on the couch, watching tv, and snuggling with a female friend (it was never more than good friends, but those are all stories for another time). I’m not sure when it was, but over time I’ve grown to enjoy Winter less and less. In fact, during the months of Winter, I can oft be quoted as saying, “Winter is the discontent of my soul.” Driving has a lot to do with it. I hate driving in Winter and because of where I live I have to do a lot of it. I don’t really get to play in the snow anymore and haven’t been sledding since I was in college. My dad died in the Fall, but Winter augments the hole he left (particularly that first Winter). I might be wrong, but I really think if I had someone to spend time with in the Winter, I would enjoy it more. But, I don’t and as it stands currently, Winter is the discontent of my soul. I used to enjoy Fall and once upon a time it used to be my favorite season. However, now I find it difficult to even enjoy Fall because it’s the precursor to Winter. Fall reminds me Winter Is Coming and I don’t like to think about that.

But right now, at this moment, things in life seem to be going okay, but I can’t but help think that Winter Is Coming. I don’t like thinking that. I really don’t. I hate that the thought even tickles the recesses of my thoughts. I want to soak up every last once of summer sunshine there is. I attempt to delay the inevitable as long as possible and try to wear shorts until at least October. When Fall finally arrives, I want to enjoy it. I want to go on hayrides and enjoy bonfires. I want to enjoy things for what they are. I want to enjoy the moments as they arrive and are given. But, I can’t quite seem to shake the tendencies of my namesake (I was named after the apostle Thomas, famous for initially doubting the resurrection of Jesus without physical proof) and the internal drumbeat keeps repeating, “Winter is coming,” over and over like a melancholic mantra.

Yet, despite this, that mantra isn’t as strong as it once was. I see and feel signs of real change around me. These are not the physical signs of the change of seasons. Instead, they are signs that my spirit is changing, or perhaps has already changed, into something better than it was. Hope resides eternal and that, mixed in with the slow march of time, has made all the difference.

Winter is coming, but Hope is eternal.

The New MAN OF STEEL Trailer and a Few Thoughts About Superman

Superman has always been my favorite Superhero. I was never much into comics growing up, but when I did read comics, I drifted more towards DC instead of Marvel. When I was younger, DC was a much cleaner universe than it is now. Good guys occasionally did bad things and bad guys occasionally did good things, but you always knew who were the good guys and who were the bad guys. To me, Superman represented everything that was supposed to be good about the world at large. My friends hated that. The ones that were really into comics hated the DC world and were all about Marvel (Wolverine, The Punisher, etc.). The few who did like DC prefered Batman over Superman. Despite the ridicule I received ("Superman just isn't cool, Tom!"), he was my favorite.

Movie-wise, other than the first Star Wars film that I caught in a re-release, SUPERMAN with Christopher Reeves was one of the first movies I remember seeing in a movie theatre. The effects look a little dated now, but I still enjoy watching that original Superman movie.

Since that time, I've learned a lot about the world. There's other characters in the DC world that I really like (Hal Jordan's Green Lantern, for instance) and I can appreciate certain aspects of the Marvel world. However, Superman is still my guy. In terms of pop culture, the Marvel universe is cooler than the DC one and in the DC world, Batman is still more popular than Superman. But go back and watch that trailer again. I know it's marketing and it's just a three minute clip, but just watching that trailer fills me with hope. That's kind of what Superman is all about. He represents the best in humanity that we all hope and long for. Now, I just hope the movie is really as good as the trailers.

Remembering Mary Kay

On Thursday, September 27, 2012, Mary Kay Meeker passed away. I worked with Mary Kay for nine summers. Below is something I wrote the day after her passing, but didn't get around posting it until now.
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The first time I came to Camp Timber-lee was in the summer of 1999. That was also the first time I met Mary Kay Meeker. I had arrived at staff training late and most of the rest of the summer staff was out and about on a scavenger hunt. My village leader took me to the village that I would be staying in for the week and I got settled in. Later that night, Mary Kay picked me up in her golf cart and took me to where the rest of the summer staff was playing some night game. I don’t remember too much about the conversation except that when I mentioned my college friend who had told me about Timber-lee, Mary Kay said, “Ah, yes, I know him. He’s one of the good ones.”

That first summer, I didn’t have a whole lot of interaction with Mary Kay. Back in those days, if you were a first time summer staffer, Mary Kay seemed intimidating, sitting atop a hill in her golf cart surveying the comings and goings. Occasionally she would stop me and ask me how my week was going, but beyond that, I didn’t have much personal interaction with her. I do remember an incident during the last week of camp that summer. I had a camper who had to leave early or something and it ended up with me getting a personal ride with Mary Kay in her golf cart. I don’t remember the whole conversation, but it was more personal than the one I had not long after my arrival at the beginning of summer. She asked about my future plans, she asked me what was my most memorable part of the summer, she asked me what was the biggest challenge I faced that summer, she asked what I thought about my experience, etc. Then she said, “I hope you come back, Tom. You’re one of the good ones.”

I did come back to Timber-lee the next summer (and the next and the next until I worked there for nine summers). It was that second summer that I really got to know Mary Kay. That summer, the summer of 2000, was the most difficult and challenging summer of my life. I had a lot of difficult cabins that summer, including one that ended up being my most difficult (and memorable) ever. It was halfway through the summer, during the week of Independence Day. I had a cabin that consisted of four inner city kids from Milwaukee, three kids from the wealthy suburbs of northern Illinois, and one kid from the suburbs and middle class of western Chicagoland. There was major culture class from the get go, but there was also some major spiritual warfare, particularly with one camper. While waiting in line for supper that night he told me point blank, “I hate you.” Things worsened from there. By the middle of the week, the almost unthinkable happened to this camper, (who I’ll call Johnny): he was going to be sent home.

We went to his room to pick up his belongings. Then we went to the main office to speak with Mary Kay. She hadn’t yet called to have him picked up and was going to have him do that, but first she wanted to have a chat. It was during this meeting that Mary Kay came to be one of the women I have most respected and admired in the world. She started talking with Johnny and after asking about four or five questions, he was crying. She knew exactly the right questions to ask to get him to open up and all the barriers came tumbling down. She knew children so well. She gave offered Johnny the opportunity to stay at camp, but only if I was willing to continue to be his counselor. I agreed. I wish I could say that Johnny stayed at camp for the rest of the week and things improved dramatically. Things improved, but only temporarily and on Friday afternoon, less than 18 hours before the end of the camp week, Johnny was sent home.

Even though I had known Mary Kay before then, it really wasn’t until that week that I got to know her. During that week I was made fully aware of all the things that went on behind the scenes that many summer staff people have no idea about. More importantly, I got to know Mary Kay much better and from that point on she no longer seemed to be the intimidating figure sitting in the golf cart atop the hill and was instead not only my supervisor, but my friend.

I know that Mary Kay touched the lives of countless others. More importantly, the light for Jesus that glowed forth from her spirit was brighter than any Olympic torch or city upon a hill. Physically she is no longer with us and she has gone to claim her reward from the Master. Those of us who knew her, will carry the memories of her with us throughout our lives. Well done, good and faithful servant. I look forward to the time we meet again.

Is the Tide Turning?

Maybe it's because of the warmer weather, but I feel that the tide is about to turn in my life. I can feel the soggy doldrums of Winter melting away and instead of Spring, life is skipping straight to Summer (which is fine by me). The past few years have been difficult ones for me. In a span of less than seven months I lost my Dad and my job and now for over a year I've been unemployed.

Don't let anyone tell you differently. Unemployment sucks. The first couple of weeks were alright, but by week three I was more than ready to be back at work except there was no work to be found. I've done some temp work, was an emergency worker for one day in a department store, and have done some subbing, but that's it. My little savings are depleted and despite my constant and continual search, I haven't found a regular job. You'd think that companies would be fighting over me: I'm young, I've got two college degrees, I'm easy-going, and I've got a wealth of experience and knowledge.

For the past couple months, I've had people tell me: "I've been praying for you and know that God's going to release a floodgate of blessings into your life soon." Well, I'm ready for those blessings, now, God. It's been a really dry season, so I'd settle for just a nice shower, but if the floodgates of blessing pour forth, I'll take that, too.

I don't always remember, but I have a decent idea of how blessed I already am just by living in the United States. The opportunities we have are nearly limitless. Yet, it seems that the opportunities I seek have eluded my grasp. Perhaps now is the time I can finally grab hold and claim what, in this life, I have sought and longed for so long.

I had a job interview last week. It was the first one I've had in a little while. It went well. It wasn't my best interview, but it wasn't terrible and I feel like I left a good image upon the supervisor. We talked for nearly an hour. I've also recently started taking tap lessons (I paid for them last August when I still had a little reserve). It's something I've always wanted to do and something I felt might help me a little in my future entertainment pursuits. My instructor told me, "I'm really impressed," and that I was a natural. These were just small things, but they did and still lift my spirit. As tough as things have gotten, I've never completely abandoned hope. I'm glad I didn't because I feel that at the minimum I'm going to see a glimpse of hope fulfilled.

Tales of the Unemployed

Today I sent out a total of 10 resumes/job applications to 10 different companies. That's a good day. A few weeks ago I sent out 22 in one day. That was a great day. Most weeks I get between 2-4 applications out in a week. I've been doing this, looking for a job full time, since I was released from my job at the end of April last year. I've actually been doing it for longer because my last job was a temp job that lasted 2 years and after I had been working there for a year I realized the management had no intention of bringing me into the company as a regular employee, so I started looking for a different job then. For twenty months I've been on a constant job search. For all the cover letters I send out through the mail, I keep a copy for myself. I have a stack now that looks like a novel.

Yesterday I went to a Career Expo. I try to take away something positive from every experience I have. I can usually say that if nothing else, the experience was worthwhile because I learned something new, met someone new, had a good time, got to experience something exciting, etc. I hate to say this, but yesterday's experience was a complete waste of time. Several of the booths were occupied by colleges looking for students; I already have 2 degrees and I really don't want to spend any more time in school. Most of the employers were looking for very specific individuals: people in the medical industry (nurses, e.g.), people in the transportation industry (truck drivers). There were also three casinos there and though I'm not against gambling, it's not a place I would like to work. Oh, the Navy had a booth, too. There were only two employers that were worth my time to talk with. The first one told me they only accept applications online. That was no help to me because I've applied with them online twice. The second told me that they only accept applicants through a particular temp agency and work on a temp to hire basis. That wasn't really any help either because I'm already registered with that temp agency (it's one of 3 I am registered with and call on a weekly basis).

I was really depressed when I left that career expo yesterday. I've seriously been looking for work for a long time now. I'm still young, college educated, and have a life of experiences that would make me a valuable employee at any company. Yet, I can't even seem to get an interview anymore, let alone a job. Last spring I had a job interview with a company where over 900 people had applied. I was one of about 30 people who were invited in to take a test and have an initial interview. I got a second interview and the people at the company informed me that I had the highest test results of everyone who had been tested. One of the people I interviewed with told me straight out, "You got an interview because we wanted to see if you were the real deal and not someone who just got lucky." I asked him afterward if I was the real deal and he said, "Yes." I didn't get that job and found out later that it was probably because of my experience working in radio and theatre; one of the interviewers doesn't like people who are "entertainers".
I keep clinging to hope, but as the days have turned into weeks and the weeks have turned into months, I find myself struggling to cling to hope. I've done all the things I was supposed to do. I've even done some things I wasn't supposed to do, but tried anyway because sometimes "thinking outside the box" brings better results. Yet, there has been no results. In my adult life (I had an old soul before I ever hit puberty), there have been times I've really struggled with the darkness. The past few years have been really difficult ones and it just seems that I can't get a break no matter what. And the unemployment eats away at my soul like a cancerous worm.

I try to look on the bright side of life. I can still go to church where I like. I can still read books, watch movies, visit with friends. I still have freedom. But, when you've been in the situation I'm in and it's gone on for so long, it's really easy to lose sight of the small things that are capable of bringing such joy. Instead, you see the rising gas prices, something you watch on a daily basis anyway, and think, "Good Lord! What if I don't find a job soon?; how will I be able to afford gas?" You hear the clock ticking because unemployment compensation only lasts so long. You're living expenses are already at a bare minimum and you keep wondering what are you going to do when the "charity" (that you didn't want to accept in the first place) runs out. Contrary to what they might say publicly, places like Wal-Mart and McDonalds don't people like you because, as they've told you to your face, "You're overqualified." You read economists who say that "the economy is slowly recovering" but you know that's not true because you've been searching the help wanted ads and the Internet for over a year and there are the same number of listings now as there was a year ago. It's hard to keep hope alive when you're in such a situation.

But, somehow you do. You keep pressing ahead. You keep looking and searching and praying. You fan that flame of hope because that's one light you don't want to ever see extinguished. You keep telling yourself that something has to give, that the damn of blessings have to gush forth soon. When you tell yourself this, you feel a flicker inside and it gives you the strength to keep pressing on. As Andy says in THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, "Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." Amen.

Random Christmas Eve Thoughts 2010

I hate winter. I hate the cold and all that comes with it. However, Christmas Eve and Christmas are about the only days anymore that I actually like when it snows. It is often written of how snow seems to purify everything and coming on the day that celebrates the birth of Jesus it seems appropriate that there is snow.

In the U.S. we celebrate Christmas in reverse. Our culture and the society in which we live suggests that Christmas begins weeks (our months) before Christmas Day and then after Christmas Day is over, Christmas is over. The thing is, Christmas Day is supposed to be the beginning of the celebration. You know that song "The 12 Days of Christmas"? The 12 Days of Christmas actually don't begin until the day after Christmas and go until January 6th. I know it's counterculture, but I try to celebrate that way. I find the idea of Christmas as the beginning of a celebration so much more appealing than the way we do it in our post-modern society.

The year isn't over, yet, so I'm trying to refrain from reflecting too much upon a year that still has over a week left in it (the world can quite literally change in a week). However, as I prepare for my annual reflections, I can say that this past year has been a very difficult one, yet laced with some incredible opportunities. As Christmas draws near, I look ahead and am filled once again with hope.

Hope is a wonderful thing. It's one of the most wonderful things in all of life. There's a reason Dante said that above the entrance of Hell it says "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here."

Merry Christmas, everyone! And thank you, Jesus for being born.

"Shine" by The David Crowder Band

The David Crowder Band has written and produced some powerful worship songs. Unlike many contemporary worship songs, Crowder's songs usually are musically intricate, consisting of more than just a chorus and a few words. They also are also usually built upon sound doctrine instead of just the syrupy pseudo-spirituality of many Christian-pop tunes. Thanks to Jack Hager for directing me to this video by posting it on his blog. It's all about hope and most of it's done using Lite Brite animation.

Hope

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love." I Cor. 13:13a.

This evening I went to a visitation service for one of my former teachers, a man who had a huge influence upon me; he cast me in my first play ever. My Dad died just over a month ago and, as I expected, as I try to adjust to life without him around, the real trial begins. I have good friend who's father had a heart attack about a week ago and my friend has spent over week watching his father repeatedly being tortured unproductively as medical officials attempt to force his father to begin breathing on his own. There's a lot of pain and suffering in this world. We are all in a crucible.

Yet, despite the storms and fires of testing, hope remains. As a younger person, hope was something I knew in my heart of hearts was good, but I really had no understanding or idea what it was or why it was good. I remember watching THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION for the first time and hearing the line, "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." When I heard that I agreed with it and knew it was true, but I didn't really know why because I really didn't know what hope is. I have a much better understanding now.

This world is a mean and messed-up place. There's pain, sorrow, and suffering all around. But that's not all there is. There is love. There is joy. There is peace. And there is hope. Even amidst the fires of testing in the crucible, hope remains.