Sunday, November 11, 2007

Re-Arisen Dreams Vs. Present Life.

The play I’m in just finished the first week of a two week run. Things went really well. I’ve really enjoyed the show. I’ve made some new acquaintances and seen some old acquaintances transform into friendships. I’ve been able to use the gifts and talents God has given me and I expand my talent as an actor ever so slightly.

The new job is…going. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been incredibly challenging. Every time I feel like I make a little progress, I find myself further behind than when I began. I don’t feel at all like I did when I was student teaching. Back then, I was sure I wanted to teach. I enjoyed it. Sure, there were rough days, but despite those I knew it was something I wanted to do. Now that I’m doing it, I’m not so sure. I’m going to give it some more time, though.

For the past month I feel like I’ve just been living in a haze. So much has happened in such a very short time.

Something I have learned this past month is that if I’m ever presented with the choice to work in film or education, I’d choose film. When I first answered that question a couple weeks ago, I was a bit shocked. I mean, I gave up the opportunity to move to L.A. and pursue a career in the motion picture business six years ago. I felt called to become a teacher. I fought God for months over that one. I gave it up, but He promised to give it back one day.

In the past six months, there have been signs that that the dream was being restored and the promise would be fulfilled. I took great comfort, joy, and happiness in that. Then the darkness began to settle in and now I’m not so sure anymore. At another point in my life I would have confidently said that I know without a shadow of a doubt that the promise would come true and the dream would be restored. I can’t say that with confidence right now. God has been rather silent with me lately. Like I said, it feels like I’ve been living in a haze. The soft whisper of God that has been so clear to me most of my life has been silent. Every once in awhile he shows me something (the vapors rising off a lake as the sun rises, for instance) to remind me that he is there, but the constant back and forth communication that I have grown so used to having hasn’t been happening. I miss hearing him. I’d grown accustomed to hearing him. I know I’m not alone, but at times it feels like I’ve been abandoned. It’s a very unpleasant sensation.

I want to make movies so bad. I want to go to New York and visit and join my friends living there. I want to get home at a decent time in the evening so I can sit down and write and finish a couple of the stories I’ve begun. I want to always act and perform for people on stage, screen, and radio. I am an Artist and I have to create.

Will I hear his voice again? Will the haze around me lift so that I can once again see where it is I’m going? Will I do the things in life that I really want to do? I think so, but I’m not sure. I’m not much sure of anything right now.

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