Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Pains of Autumn

Autumn is a difficult time for me. I used to like Autumn. It used to be a season full of fresh hope and promises, filled with bonfires, hayrides, and pumpkin pie. It was always the precursor to Winter, but back in the day, Winter wasn't the discontent of my soul. Now, Winter is the discontent of my soul and Autumn reminds me how much closer those cold days are. Instead of focusing on the joy and color that the season brings, I often find myself contemplating the lost opportunities, the chances never given, and the possibilities forgotten.

The thing is, I don't like this about myself. I've tried to do things to overcome these feelings that arise in me and avoid the visits from my old friend melancholy. I want to enjoy Autumn the way I used to.

It's not easy, but so far this fall, for the most part, those dark clouds have been kept at bay. I've been focused on tasks at hand from new duties at my job, acting in a murder mystery, helping some friends, and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. There have been a few days (such as today) when I wrestle with those things, but the Autumn season is a month gone and for the first time in years there have been far more joyous, colorful, and fun days than the gloomy and dark ones that often hound me.

I am glad of that. I hope the rest of this season is like the first third has been. Yet, there is an eeriness that lurks at the back of my mind like the Creature that haunted Victor Frankenstein. Three years ago my Dad passed away unexpectedly and that began a downward spiral that I just now feel I am beginning to crawl out of. Losing my Dad was the most difficult and painful thing I have ever experienced and though the grief passes and the damage heals, there will always be scars and the grief never completely leaves and sometimes it hits at the most inopportune times. Less than six months after I lost my Dad, I lost my job. It wasn't the greatest job, but it was work and I was thankful for it. I was thrown to the winds of economic turmoil and for over fourteen month sailed around trying to find something to grasp onto and ground myself. I would never ever wish what I went through upon anyone. You struggle and you struggle and you search and you search, only to find that you've dug yourself deeper into the pit that you've been thrown.

So, these are the pains of Autumn that I deal with. I am hopeful that this season will be better than the ones of the past few years. I look forward to the day that I can enjoy the season the way I once did. Perhaps, this is the beginning of that. I'd like that; stories of redemption are my favorite.

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