Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Predictions for 2014

Every year, my friend, John Coleman makes end of the year predictions about the coming year. These are just too hilarious to keep to myself and with his permission, I've posted his predictions for 2014 below. Please read and enjoy (you won't be disappointed)!
Remember last fall we had the federal shutdown where the government was closed for several weeks? Well, in 2014 the US will borrow an idea from Weekends Only Furniture and just be open on Friday, Saturday, and Su...nday. President Obama will film some public service announcements where he pulls on a light switch and says: "It's Monday, we're closed!"

Providing healthcare to the uninsured finally becomes a reality in 2014. Actually, Obamacare gets scrapped altogether and the President just claims 40 million dependents on his policy.

Speaking of President Obama, she's going to have a very busy schedule next year. Did I say she? Yes, that's right, Michelle Obama will be president for most of 2014. It comes as the result of a huge Oval Office fight that ends with the phrase, "we'll if you know so much, maybe you can do it better!"

Illinois is going to have a governor's election next year. This state will make history when it elects the first computer to be our next governor. His name will be Corrupto 3000. He'll institute many changes that'll save Illinois millions of dollars; such as allowing online payments of bribes, faster speed of calculating the bills it won't pay, and an I Phone app that allows dead people to register to vote.

You know 2013 will be remembered as the year of the George Zimmerman trial. Well, looks like 2014 is going to be remembered as the year of the George Zimmerman trial.

The hottest selling item next Christmas will be Oprahvision.

In sports, the NHL has been struggling lately with low attendance and little attention given to the sport in the media. Well in 2014 they finally turn a corner when they stop playing hockey and start playing "ice football."

Speaking of football, after much debate with the player's union, the NFL picks a new training camp location. They agree to put it somewhere convenient for their players... next door to the Federal Penitentiary at Leavenworth, Kansas.

We're going to loose several famous people in 2014: Micky Rooney, John Glenn, Florence Henderson, Dan Rather, Nancy Reagan, and Regis Philbin. Oh they don't die, we just can't remember where we left them. Don't worry, they'll all turn up again in 2015.

Here's some TV predictions: Honey Boo Boo will get another member of the family when she gains a baby sister. Of course it will also be her daughter, her aunt, her second and third cousin, and her new BFF.

Speaking of redneck reality tv, the hit new show next fall will be about a Hillbilly family from Arkansas with a father named "Bubba," a super bitchy mom, and an ugly daughter. It seems America just can't get enough of the Clintons.

No comments: