Monday, November 07, 2005

Chuck Hit One

During the last year that Charles Schulz drew PEANUTS, Charlie Brown hit a home run. For nearly 40 years Charlie Brown had gone to the plate dreaming of hitting a home run, but he always struck out. But Chuck never gave up. He kept trying, and trying, and trying. Finally, after a lifetime of striking out, Charlie didn't strike out but hit a homerun. It was only one, but it was enough. The lovable loser finally came through, he wasn't quite the loser everyone had always thought he was.

Charlie Brown is the cultural icon that most resembles me. Like good old Charles, I finally got an opportunity to get up to bat and didn't strike out. For one brief moment in my life, I found myself in complete happiness. For a few prolonged seconds, a few minutes, I knew totally happiness and utter joy. And then it was gone.

I don't know if I'll ever have another moment like that in my life. Reflecting upon my life and all that has gone before, the chances are pretty much nil. I've felt so much internal pain and suffering the past few weeks. It's bound to only end bad for me. It always does. That's the nature of a hero.

I once was going to write a book entitled ALWAYS THE SIDEKICK, BUT NEVER THE HERO. I still might write that book, but the title will be ironic, because it's not true. You see a true hero never gets the girl and ends up dying at the end of the story. The sidekick, on the other hand, always ends up with the girl of his choice and goes on to live a life happily ever after. I don't want to be a hero. I don't want to be the lovable loser anymore. I want more than a fleeting moment of happiness. I'm tired of being the hero. I want to be the sidekick for a change. But, that's probably not going to happen. Instead, I'll once again be the guy who saves the day and rides off into the sunset alone, leaving behind those he loves most because he's too honorable to do the thing that he really wants.

I'm a monarch in exile and it hurts like hell. I long to be free from this new-found pain that has been tormenting me everyday, but I know it is something I will probably have to live with everyday of my life until I finally leave this life behind.

Still, I'll still have that one moment of happiness. One moment of happiness to keep me company amidst a life of internal pain and anguish.

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